A win-win conversation with my mother

Since I have been Focusing, my relationship with my family has changed significantly. I can listen to my mother without feeling that I am responsible for solving her problems or giving her advice. When there is a troubling situation in her life, I listen to her as a Focuser. I invite her to get comfortable and be aware of her body and to try to identify where in her body she feels the situation, allowing a sensation, a texture, or shape to come. She understands the process very well. Depending on the situation, I ask her if she can keep company with the felt sense. Sometimes I invite her to sense if there is anything it needs. When she tells me about a situation she usually says “I am noticing that something in me feels _________.” Then she listens to it, I reflect back, and a shift happens. One time after Focusing she said she felt “like a ballerina dancing.”

During a phone call, my mother said she wanted to give me money for my birthday. I noticed something in me that was not happy with this. For a second, I was about to ask “Why?” But instead I said, “Mami, it feels nice that you would want to give me that kind of gift, but I notice that I also feel uncomfortable about it. I know about your economic hardships, and how you use the little money that you have. For me, a wonderful birthday present would be your company and your support.”

My mother said, “I would like to give you all the money in the world, because you listen to me and I feel that you support me, you respect me, and you accompany me. But I thank you for your consideration for my economic situation.”

When she said that, I felt peaceful. It was a feeling of harmony between my body and mind. We both felt good about the decision that we had made together. It was a win-win.

—-Heazel Martínez, Focusing El Salvador